


Hindsight

by rutherfords (seblaiens)



Series: Homecoming [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Mutually Unrequited, Reunions, Unrequited Love, their relationship is complex ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-05 08:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11009403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seblaiens/pseuds/rutherfords
Summary: Hawke is back at Skyhold.





	Hindsight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [majoralenkos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/majoralenkos/gifts).



The air in Skyhold is cold, the wind biting harshly at Cullen’s cheeks as he makes his way to his office. He had spent his evening walking through the soldier’s camps, making sure everything was running smoothly and there was no dissent between the men he’s supposed to train into the grandest army southern Thedas had ever seen. 

What he sees right now is a bunch of sorry saps who have never held a shield in their life and barely know which end to grip a sword on. It’s frustrating, having men who had been fighting their whole lives next to complete amateurs. He’d have to split them into groups for training, maybe send some to Rylen for boot camp. He doesn’t have the head for complete beginners. 

His thoughts trail off when he sees a dark shadow on the battlements in front of him, a figure clad in black robes leaning on the stone and looking out into the valley below. It’s not a scout, but due to the dim lighting he can’t make out exactly who’s standing in front of the door to his office.

He knows immediately who it is when she greets him.

“Cullen,” Hawke’s high voice calls out as he steps closer, luring him in with it’s hardge edge he used to be so familiar with. Hairs stand up in the back of his neck, and he’s reminded that she’s just as dangerous as she is beautiful.

“Lilith,” Cullen replies, stopping next to her at a respectable distance. Then, after a short pause; “what are you doing here?”

“Varric sent me a letter-”

“No,” Cullen interrupts her, walking the last few steps until he’s standing next to her, their shoulders almost touching as they stare out over the walls of the battlements, their eyes tracing over the impenetrable darkness of the horizon. “What are you doing here?”

They’ve stayed out of each other’s way since Hawke’s arrival at Skyhold, partly because they don’t have much business, but also because Cullen had actively sought to stay away from her. Her presence makes it harder to forget about Kirkwall, and whenever their eyes had met in the Great Hall or in the gardens, a cold shudder would go through his body. As if Varric being here wasn’t enough, he is now punished with two people who have seen him at his worst being around him constantly. Leaving the past behind is a lot harder when your demons continued to follow you.

The other reason for his carefully kept distance is Dahlia. She doesn’t need to know about Cullen’s past with Lilith, the badly timed moments of intimacy in the aftermath of Anders’ actions. Lilith had disappeared with him soon after, leaving Cullen behind to feel guilty about being with a woman he knew had already been spoken for.

“I thought it was time for us to catch up,” Lilith says, standing up straight from where she had been resting her elbows on the stone wall. “We can’t run from each other forever, can we?” It’s a rhetorical question, but Cullen still wants to answer that, if they tried, they could. Skyhold is big enough for them to never cross each other’s way.

“I think we have little to say to each other.”

Lilith lets out a humourless chuckle and crosses her arms in front of her chest. “Anders isn’t here, so you don’t have to worry about fighting over me.

“I would never fight over you,” Cullen says, irritated. “I’m with Dahlia now.”

“I know.” Lilith’s voice is quiet as she stares at the Frostback Mountains, never risking a glance in Cullen’s direction. ”You know, it hurt when I realized that you’re not in love with me. But nothing can compare to the pain I felt when I saw you with her.”

Cullen’s mouth is dry and his palms sweaty in his leather gloves. He feels cold and hot at the same time, and the hairs in his neck are standing up. He had thought they were over this - that it had never been anything more than momentary infatuation between two desperate people who were wronged by the people closest to them. He never even entertained the thought that Lilith could have actually liked him, suppressing his own feelings by telling himself that he’s projecting his need for guidance onto her because of her status in Kirkwall after Meredith had fallen from grace.

“…It’s too late now,” Cullen whispers. A few months earlier, before Dahlia and him had become close - he hadn’t dared to think of Lilith until she came back into his life.

“I’m aware of that. I didn’t come here to throw myself at your feet and beg you to take me back. I have a job to do, and after that I’m gone again.

“You are good at running away,” Cullen says, not hiding the bitterness in his voice.

“And you’re not?” Lilith’s stare is cold and icy as she finally looks at him, an eyebrow raised. She is one of the few people at Skyhold who know the whole story, the less glamorous parts of Cullen’s life he keeps hidden as best as he can. The parts he hadn’t even dared telling Dahlia yet. “Tell me, does anybody here now about your actions in Kirkwall besides the mages? They talk about you, you know. They’re not happy you’re here.”

“If they have a problem with my presence, they can file a complaint. We’re not forcing them to stay here. They are free to leave.”

“Leave?” Lilith laughs sharply. “To where? Running into the arms of the Red Templars or what’s left of the Order? You’re the lesser evil, in the grand scheme of things.”

Rage is making Cullen run hot, and he balls his hands into fists. He knew having her here would be bad - Hawke is great at screwing up any kind of progress that’s been made, and he knows her well enough to know that this would not be the last barbs fired at him before she would eventually leave him behind again.

“And you wonder why I don’t love you anymore,” Cullen states, keeping his voice level to inflict the most damage the words can. He knows it worked when he sees Lilith stiffen out of the corner of his eyes.

“You’re an awful man, Cullen Rutherford. You always have been.”

“Good enough to warm your bed.”

Lilith turns around and flees the battlements, her black cloak dragging on the stone behind her as she walks away. Cullen feels shaky on his legs, and it takes him a few seconds before he can continue his way into his office.

Come morning, they would pretend this conversation hadn’t had happened.

They’re both good at pretending.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me @ cuosland.tumblr.com for more dank memes


End file.
